Funny Golf Calls

These were real phone calls taken at real golf courses… 🙂

A. “Public Golf Course, May I help you?”
Q. “What are your green fees?
A. “$38”
Q. “Does it include golf?

A. “ABC Golf Course…can I help you?”
Q. “I’m running late, can you still get me out early?”

A. “Long Drive Golf Club…”
Q. “How much to play golf Saturday?”
A. “$50 per person includes cart.”
Q. “$50 for the group?”
A. ” No, $50 each.”
Q. “Oh, so what are your green fees?”

A. “ABC Golf Course…”
Q. “What’s the weather going to be like on Feb. 4th?

A. “Thanks for calling…may I help you?”
Q. “Yes, I’d like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12:00 and noon.”
A. “Between 12:00 and noon?”
Q. “Yes”

(I think I can squeeze you in.)

Q. “Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course.”
A. “Ok, what would you like to know?”
Q. (Rudely) “I don’t know, that’s why I called.”

A. “Hello, Golf Course…”
Q. “Yes, I need to get some information from you.”… “First, is this your correct phone number?”

Q. “What are your tee times today.”
(They’re little segments of time designed to organize the flow of play and assigned to each group of golfers to start their rounds of golf.)

Q. “Do you have 2 back 10’s?”

(Uh…Yes…Yes we do.)

Q. “When can I call for a T time?”
A. “We take T times 5 days in advance.”
Q. “Is that for anybody?”

Q. “Does somebody shoot us off?”

(Only if it’s a Shot Gun Tournament.)

A. “Yes, I can make you a tee time…Can I get your phone number please.”
Q. “My telephone ?”

(No your gramophone, megaphone, sousaphone)

Q. “I need some tees”
A. “Would you like the long or the regular?”
Q. “What’s the difference?”

At the Food and Beverage counter…
A. “Can I help you.”
Q. “Yes, I’d like a large Coke no cup.

Q. “Do you have the thing where you get the bucket of balls and go out and shoot em’?”

(Don’t ya hate it when your bucket of balls has been shot.)

Q. “Are you very busy this afternoon?”
A. “The course will be available after 3:30.”
Q. “So if a two-some came out at 1:00 we could get on, right.”

Q. “What do you have around 10:40?”
A. “I’ve got 10:48.”
Q. “What’s your next time?”
A. “10:56”
Q. “We’d better take that one. It will be warmer then.”

(I guess 8 minutes makes a big difference)

Q. “Do you serve breakfast at the course?”
A. “Yes, we do.”
Q. “Is it a full breakfast?”

Q. “How much to play on Tuesday?”
A. “38 includes a cart.”
Q. “38 dollars??”

Q. “How soon do you take tee times?”
A. “For when”
Q. “Whenever.”

(Oh, “whenever” tee times only on Tuesdays)

Q. “What time do you have for a tee time tomorrow?”
A. “What time would you like?”
Q. “What times do you have?”
A. “What time of the day?”
Q. “Any time.”
A. “In the morning?”
Q. “Whenever.”
A. “I’ve got 38 times available. Would you like me to read you all of them?”
Q. “Naw…I don’t think those times are gonna work for me.”

A. “…and your last name?”
Q. “Smith”
A. “and your phone number..”
Q. “You want my phone number?”

Q. “How much admission to play 27 holes?”

A. “Golf Course…”
Q. “Yes, we’re traveling through your state and wanted to play a little golf and were wondering if we’d have any problem bringing a car load of weapons on to the golf course?

(What??)(This was a real call.)

A. “Right Way Golf Course…”
Q. “Could a guy getta tee time tomorrow or what’s your’alls policy?

A. “LMNOP Golf Course….”
Q. “Can I get a booking for after dinner?”

A. “Thank you for calling…”.
Q. “Can I talk to the kitchen?”

(What do you say to a kitchen?)

A. “Friendly Golf Course, this is Rico…”
Q. “Can you tell me how much one is?”

Guy comes into shop upset and says…
Q. “Thanks a lot”. “The guy you put me with doesn’t have any “etiquecy” for his partner.”

A. “Yes Mr. Smith, I can make you a tee time.”
…after I find this guys name in our data base I say…”Is this Bob?”
Q. “WOW”, “How did you know my first name?”
A. “We use a computer.”
Q. “Rock on.”

This call was answered at 7:15 AM
Q. “Can I get a tee time in about 30 mins.”
A. “I’ve got 7:52. Can I get your last name?”
Q. “(Angrily) Never mind, we’ll go somewhere else.”

A. “Paddle Beach Golf Course…”
Q. “I need to secure a tee time.”

(I didn’t know one was drifting away.)

A. “That will be $26”
Q. “Does it include a power cart?”

(Yes, the new Benford 2003 solar poweff0000 uni-golf cart.)

A. “Our fees today are $50 per person.”
Q. “Does it include a trolley?”

(No, you’ll have to go to San Francisco for that.)

A. “Double Eagle Golf Course…”
Q. “Do you have a dress code?”
A. “Yes, we do. We require collaff0000 shirts.”
Q. “How about pants?”
A. “Well, they’re recommended.”

Q. “I’d like a bucket of large balls.”

(I’m sorry all our large balls are out. I can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.)

Q. “Can I get a tee time?”
A. “Sure, what time would you like?”
Q. “Tomorrow at 10:00.” “In the morning if possible.”

(I hate those tee times at night.)

Guy walks into the shop…
Q. “Do you have room for a walk-on singleton”

(Yes. You could go join the walk-on simpleton on the first tee.)

A. “Lotta Golf Course…”
Q. “At what time do you take tee times?”

(Only at tea time.)

(I give up.)

A. “Acme Golf Course…”
Q. “Yeah, I just made a tee time, but my buddies don’t want to play on a dress top.”


A. “Golf Course…”
Q. “Yes, I left a golden bear pitcher out there.”

(You’re kidding…I hope someone turns it in.)

A. “Dimple Golf Club…”
Q. “Did I just call you for a tee time?”

(…might help if I knew his name.)

Guy who checked in as a single…
Q. “Are you gonna put me with another people?”

(Yes, were gonna put you with people from Planet Krypton.)

A. “Short Putt Golf…”
Q. “Do you rent golf clubs?”
A. “Yes, $25.”
Q. “And for the bag?”

(Believe it or not we include it at no extra charge.)

A. “Fairway Golf Club…”
Q. “Yea, How much is it?”

(Depends…on if we like you or not.)

Q. “I was wondering…are we allowed to wear stocking caps instead of ear muffs?”

(No. We’re not a stocking cap friendly course.)

Guy comes running in and says…”Ross, you can’t believe the round I just had. I was doin’ great till I quadrippled the last hole.”

A. “Do you have a fourth in your group?”
Q. “No.”
A. “Ok, then I’m gonna put a single with you guys.”
Q. “No.” “We have four already.”
A. “I thought you said no when I asked if you had a fourth.”
Q. “I did…I said Noe…the fourth guys name is Noe.
A. “Hahaha…got me good.”

Guy comes in alone…”Hi. I would like to play golf. I’m a single…by myself.

(As opposed to being a single with someone else.)

A. “Hello. Thanks for calling…”
Q. “What time are your green fees?”

(Green fees?…you mean tee times fellA.)

A. “Short Knocker Golf Course…”
Q. “Yea, I’m looking for something around 10:00 Sunday.”
A. “The first thing we have on Sunday is 2:00.”
Q. “Really?, Wow!, Um…so what is the first thing you

A. “City Golf Course…”
Q. “Is the shooting range open today?

(Sure. Bring your gun.)

A little kid comes in the shop with a giant bag of clubs…
Q. “Where are you going with all those clubs?”
A. “I’m going to golfing.”

I hand a guy his receipt and he says…
“Thanks, but do you have a receipt I can give the company?”

A. “Golf course, can I help you?”
Q. “Yes, can I get the number to your casino please?”
A. “Sure, it’s 555-..(interupted)
Q. “…wait..wait..I need to go get a pen and paper.” “I’ll be right back.”

Guy comes in the snack bar and asks…
“What kind of meat comes in the Grilled Chicken Teriyaki Salad?”

Golfer walks in…
“How many holes have they played to get to number 3?”

Q. “How much for range balls?”
A. “$3 for about 40 shots.”
Q. “Oh…so the balls are supplied?”

Q. “Do you have a twilight rate?”
A. “Yes $22 at 1:00.”
Q. “Oh, $22 at 1:00…what time does it start?”

A. “Golf course…”
Q. “I need a tee time Sunday at 12:00 give or take a little bit away.”

Lady walks in
“My kids picked up these range balls from your range, do you want to buy them back?”